i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
