I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
