The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
