i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
