we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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