He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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