I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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