it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
