I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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