Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
