the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
