I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
