I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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