The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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