turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
