She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
