My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
