He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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