oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
