I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
