1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
