im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
