you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
