Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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