he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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