My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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