According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
