When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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