Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
