Are we in a gay sports bar?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
