3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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