yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
