4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
