i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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