Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
