The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
