I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I accidentally had phone sex last night
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
