I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
