i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
