Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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