he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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