someone threw a dead crab at me
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
