Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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