when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
