You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
