Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
