When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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