Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
