she looked like the bat from fern gully.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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