So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
