You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
