just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
