I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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